Where's the Levity? Right here - musician jokes...

[FuseU1]

HA-HA!! Good 1...
Awright...
This is a just a li'l long, but bear with it...

The day finally comes when this successful record exec/A&R guy passes away, & he's greeted at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who promptly tells him that there's actually a new 'sweepstakes' goin on there in the prelude to the afterlife; he's allowed to choose whether he would like to go to Heaven, or to hell.

So he says to Peter, "Well, I'm not really sure...any way i can get a glimpse of both b4 mak'g my final decision?" So Peter says OK, & takes him to 2 doors, labeled [oddly enuf] - 1:"glimpse of heaven" & 2:"...hell."

He opens the 1st door & there's all this nice, mellow harp/pno/violin/acoustic gtr [no elec, dalgarnit!!] classical music goin on...& ever1's in nice white robes, blissfully walkin around on whispy white clouds, chatting politely w/ 1 another, & everything; nothing overly spectaclar, just nice & quaint...

He opens the 2nd door, & WHAM! - there's jokes & laughin & carryin on, the drinks r flowin, the food is endless, fine quisine of every ethnic culture, ther's a mega-hot jazz-funk-blues-ska-rock band burnin down the tunes, beautiful women everywhere - it's a huge PAR-TAYYY!!

He shuts the door & Peter asks him which 1 he prefers, to which he replies:

"Heaven was pretty cool, nice & all, kinda peaceful & quiet, but...the other place was just a riot - it looks like it's the most happenin, fun place for all eternity! While I've always thot I'd like to go to Heaven, it def looks like hell is the place to be - so that's my choice!"

Peter replies, "well, allrighty, then - follow me," to which he takes him to an elevator. They go all the way to the bottom, & come to a door which the devil is stand'g outside. The devil pleasantly smiles at the guy [who has a huge ear-to-ear grin on his face himself], opens the door, & the guy walks on in.

All of a sudden he looks around him & sees nothing but canyons of fire & brimstone; lava, smoke & ashes; bones, giant worms, huge vultures; carcasses; feels the extreme heat, & can't hear anyth'g but the wails & moans of the other people there...

He turns around & bangs on the door until it opens & the devil is standing there lookin at him. He starts to plead w/ the devil, telling him that he'd shown him a partyin place w/ lots of fun 4ever, & all - what had happened?!!

To which the devil replies, "It was a nice demo & all, wasn't it; but you're just not quite what we're lookin for, thanx" & slams the door back in his face.... [img]confused.gif[/img] [img]eek.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 24, 2003 12:11 PM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>

[slax0r]

What do you call a guy who hangs around musicians?

A drummer.

What was the last thing the drummer said before he was fired from his band?

"Hey guys, why don't we try a few of my songs now?"

[FuseU1]

LOL - Right on, Slax - 4got about those 2...
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Whaddya call a working "wedding-band/special parties/corporate functions" musician?

Any four-or-more-letter explitive will do; just don't call him late for the free booze &/or hors d'oeuvres....
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How does a bass player keep his relationship with his girlfriend together?

By keeping her away from the guitarist, drummer, keyboardist, & ESP the frontman [that goes for band practice, gigs....]
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How did the bass player get back at his sister?

He took her to band practice/gigs/guitarist's/drummer's/keybd's/frontman's house/etc...
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What's the difference between a funeral, & a cello/upright player?

At a funeral, the corpse is INSIDE the casket....

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 03, 2003 01:06 AM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>

[chris perra]

a corperate shlock band was doing a weekend at a high fallotin resort hotel.

they played the first night.

before they played the second night the band leader decided to have a talk with everyone.....

just to get this straight, when we do "all the things you are" tonight....
after the first bridge we modulate up a half step for 3 bars, then we do a bar of 3/4, and modulate down a third for 4 bars then back again for 4 beats. then we anticipate the phrasing for 5 bars then modulate down 2 tones for 6 beats,. the we are back into the verse. ok? everybody got it?....

the female singer of the band interupts and cries

" what to you mean?!!!! i can't do that are you crazy?"

to that the band leader replied.

" what's the problem?

that's what you did last night wasn't it?"


chris perra

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 03, 2003 12:02 PM: Message edited by: chris perra ]</font>

[drumgod1]

What do you call the people who hang out with musicians?

-Drummers

What do you call the people who hang out with drummers?

-Musician's wives and girlfriends!

Mike

[chris perra]

a drummer from india, who started at the age of 3, at long last attained a scholarship too the esteemed berklee college of music.


he did well, completed all the courses and had good grades. eventually he graduated and his student visa expired. he then returned to india...


it did not take him long to start giging and he was very anxious to show off his newfound skills he worked so hard to master.

at the end of the first set on his first gig the band leader aproached him and said.

you have worked hard and it shows, but please if i've said it once i've said 1 thousand times


" just friggin play a simple 24/13!!!!"


"got it!!!!!"

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 17, 2003 03:31 AM: Message edited by: chris perra ]</font>

[mja61]

Chris-

Good one! I was lucky enough to be able to see Steve Smith on one of the few "East Meets Jazz" gigs a while back. This was Smith, Sandeep Burman on tabla, Howard Levy, Victor Bailey, Jerry Goodman, and a horn player doing some combined Indian and western jazz stuff (They started in August 2001, but cancelled the tour shortly thereafter, due to the 9/11 attacks. In total they probably only did fewer than 10 shows.) Sandeep discussed some of the odd (and I do mean ODD) time signatures used in Indian music, such as "five-and-a-quarter."

Anyways, I probably would not have gotten that joke unless I saw the gig! [img]rolleyes.gif[/img]

[maggimus]

What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet? -The toilet only has to take crap from one person at a time. [img]wink.gif[/img]

[FuseU1]

HAHAHA!!! Those were hill-hairy-a**...

Chris - that "female lead singer/All the Things u r" joke - she's whatcha' call a "Jailbird [-style-] singer" - she's always behind a few bars & constantly tryin' to find 'da key[s]....
[img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]rolleyes.gif[/img]

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 18, 2003 11:21 PM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>

[FuseU1]

What's the difference between a musician & a large pizza?...

...the pizza can feed a family of 4...

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 24, 2003 01:26 AM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>